“It’s Not Fair!”

If you're a parent, chances are extremely high that you hear this phrase regularly. And if you haven't heard those exact words, you have heard their cousins: "You're the meanest mom in the world...", "You're the only dad who refuses to...", or "I hate you!"

For most of us, these dramatic statements are guaranteed to trigger a defensive comeback. "Fine, hate me then. But I love you..." or "Some day you'll thank me." Regardless of what words you deliver, I can assure you of this: Your children will not hear what you're saying if they're upset, and they will certainly not back off from their accusations just because you came up with a clever retort. Angry children can't process words very well, making your comeback either useless or inflammatory.

What to do? Should parents allow their children to fling hurtful remarks in their direction without trying to diffuse things? Should we allow our youngster sto say things that are obviously untrue...and mean?

Of course not. But if you’ve heard me speak, you know that I believe it’s vital that parents hold the role of Captain of the ship in their child’s life. This means that regardless of the storm you might find yourself sailing through, it’s essential that you hold that role of confidence and sanity that will get the ship through rocky seas.

A child who delivers the “It’s Not Fairs” is in need of feeling heard far more than getting their way. (Although naturally they would disagree with this assessment.) Even as adults, despite often feeling desperate to prevail in an argument when we believe passionately in our position, what we need more than the other person giving in or agreeing is to feel understood, heard and respected for how we feel.

If (or should I say, when) your child is so upset that they make these kinds of declarations, my suggestion is that you avoid engaging with the content (I call this the “Neck Up” part of their message) and avoid taking their words personally. I don’t know about you, but when I’m upset or off center, I am very capable of saying things that aren’t very accurate or true. When someone challenges me on the accuracy of my words, I feel deeply misunderstood, and my frustration only gets bigger as I scramble to justify what I’ve said.

Instead, focus on the feelings behind their message. (But please, don’t say, “How do you feel about that?” Most of us hate it when the people around us use therapist-y language.)

“You desperately wanted to stay up later to watch that show, honey. I get it.”
“It’s tearing you up that you can’t go to that party when most of your friends get to go.”
“Finding out at the last minute that the movie we were going to see isn’t suitable for kids your age—and telling you after you’d told your friends you were going to see it…that was pretty awful…”

Start by helping translate the message behind the accusations and hurtful words, and you’ll usually find the hysteria and drama will subside fairly soon. If it doesn’t, there are other issues at play.

Remember: rather than taking a child’s angry words at face value and entering into debate about them, hold on to your position as the one they can lean on to help them through the storm. You—and your child—will be glad you did.