A month or so ago I received an email from a young woman who had attended one of my parenting presentations the evening before. She enthusiastically told me how excited she was to start using what she’d learned, confident that things in her family’s life would be changing for the better. She went so far as to email me a week or so later to thank me again, telling me how valuable the ideas were and how she had already seen improvement.
Last week this same woman set up a phone session with me; she was discouraged about the fact that she had failed the utter transformation she was sure would be easy in those first few days after the parenting talk. “I understand so much better what I should do when my kids act up-- but there are times when I catch myself doing the very things that makes situations go from bad to worse. Help!”
I often say that there’s nothing that more inspires a person to grow up and into their best self than raising a child. On any given parenting day we’re offered hundreds of opportunities to be childish rather than mature, sarcastic instead of polite or judgmental versus tolerant. It’s not easy choosing the higher ground, or acting like the grown up.
The love we have for our kids has the potential, however, to motivate us to stretch beyond our habituated ways of behaving. Even when we’re hungry. Cranky. Having a headache, PMS’y. Sad. Overwhelmed. Or just plain tired.
But as determined as we might be to do our best, most of us will inevitably keep stumbling as we learn the steps. And that has to be okay.
What I recommend to parents as they try out new approaches to parenting is that they set the clear intention to try one new thing for a few days, focusing on one specific behavior they’d like to improve.
Here’s what that looks like. First, identify the behavior you’d like to change. It might be setting a more loving tone in the mornings, or less uptight when the kids get up from the dinner table again…and again…and again. Announce--to yourself, your journal, or your husband/ wife/ cocker spaniel—how you’d like to handle potentially triggering situations.
“When I go into my boys’ room to wake them up, I’m going to have warmth in my voice, a friendly smile on my face, and a sweet connection that lingers as we move through the morning…
“When the kids get in the car for the drive home from school, I’m going to focus on letting them know—by my words and a quick hug—how glad I am to see them…”
As simple as it is to set an intention, don’t underestimate its value. By giving attention to what we want to happen with our kids, we set in motion an undercurrent of possibility for that to come about.
Focus on any successes, however small. If you nearly scold your son for talking back but you catch yourself before the full blown lecture spills out of your mouth, pat yourself on the back. If you end up delivering half the lecture and then stopping yourself, congratulate yourself for that, as well.
And if you blow it altogether? Pick yourself up, acknowledge your imperfection with humility, and keep on keepin’ on.
Do your best, and join the club of imperfect-but-ever-improving parents, growing into our best selves, and guiding our kids to do the same by our example.
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