Woman writes in for help because son won't clean room! Imagine that!

My eleven year old routinely throws things in the closet and claims he’s cleaned his room. How can I get him to do the job right? Help! It’s starting to stink in there!

What a clever young man you have, and how optimistic of him to hope he’s going to get away with the old closet trick!

The truth is, we all do the bare minimum when the task in front of us is something we don’t enjoy. So let’s start by helping you be less upset and reactive when you have to bust your kid, since your own anger and judgment does nothing to inspire your son to go the extra mile when it comes to doing things that aren’t fun and have no perceived payoff.

Remember when you were eleven? I do. I remember that when my room got really messy and my mom told me it was time to clean it up, I’d sit down in the middle of the floor and start to cry. (Don’t worry. I’m better now.) Looking back, I realize that I simply felt overwhelmed, and the lack of having any interest whatsoever in the task made it impossible for me to come up with a strategy for starting the job.

Those of you who have heard me speak know that I talk about the pre-frontal cortex and its role in motivation, focus and impulse control. When we’re engaged and interested, the PFC is activated and quite helpful in keeping us on task, but without it being fully ‘switched on’, we humans have a lot of trouble staying focused and sticking through something from start to finish.

Here are a few tips that might help:

1.) Ritualize the cleaning of the room. Build it into your son’s schedule so you don’t discuss and renegotiate every time his room is dirty. This might mean he does it every Saturday for 20 minutes (see below) or every night before bed for 5 minutes. Or both. Create whatever schedule makes sense and is realistic for you both.

2.) Set a specific and reasonable amount of time for him to devote to the job. Twenty minutes for most eleven year olds is good because a lot can get done if he stays focused, and it won’t feel to him like forever. (We always want kids to see the light at the end of the tunnel when they’re doing something they strongly dislike, if at all possible.)

3.) With your son, create a list of 5 to 10 cleaning tasks that hit on most of the things you want him to do when he’s cleaning his room. This might include: Throw dirty clothes in laundry room, vacuum, make sure T-shirts are in the drawer rather than spilling out of it, hang up sweatshirts, wipe off the windowsill, etc.

Finally, approach this with a bit of lightness, but be clear that the job has to be done. Don’t engage in long discussions about it. (Although if he’s frustrated, please do help him; see my website for the booklet or interview on Helping Kids Deal with Frustration.)

Be empathic and kind; let your son know that you understand it’s not something he enjoys, and don’t lecture him about how it’ll make him a better person, or how it’s preparing him to live with college roommates, etc. From my experience working with hundreds of children and teenagers, very few kids are motivated to clean their rooms by considering how much character they’re building. Be honest. Let him know you’re going to help him make it tolerable, and then put on some great music and help him get the job done!

Susan Stiffelman, MFT