Difficult Conversations

I've just returned from a trip to Boston with my 17-year old to look at colleges.(Yikes! Major, big-time yikes!) While we were there, we attended a lecture at MIT based on the great book, Difficult Conversations. (I highly recommend it)

I've read the book and referred it many times to clients and friends, but it was especially interesting to sit in this lecture with my son and his buddy. The speaker talked about the observable data--what a video would impartially record-- of an event, and then the selective data--what we choose to emphasize versus leave out that supports our beliefs and assumptions.

The coolest thing was to see these two hulky boys over the next few days as they referenced moments in our interactions where one of us was acting on selective data. It was amazing to watch them become more aware of how we all tend to overlook certain elements in an interactions or situation in favor of the ones that support our particular assumptions.

The long and short of it is that i continue to marvel at how great it is when kids can learn early on how to approach the events and people they encounter without the bias that tends to get us tripping over ourselves. When we can be present and see things as they are, without the filters that distort, we become far better able to deal with life effectively.

What was sweetest of all was being able to show my son that I was willing to have him point out moments when I was jumping to conclusions: I actually thanked him a number of times for reminding me to resist being ruled by my beliefs and predetermined ideas about how things are.

Our kids really do have the possibility of skipping so much of the nonsense and dysfunction we went through. Probably not all of it. But even a little bit of awakening does wonders for improving ones ability to learn, grow and enjoy life. And that's what it's all about, as they say in the Hokey Pokey!