Part of my Guilt-free Parenting article

Following is part of an article that I wrote for my latest Passionate Parenting newsletter:

Guilt feeds shame, and shame does not motivate humans in a healthy way. Guilt and shame promote defensiveness, numbness and rationalization. People who feel chronic guilt are masters of deflecting responsibility and blaming others. They have trouble learning from their mistakes, because they don’t fully feel them.

Instead, when parents behave in ways they later regret, I recommend the following:

1) Rewind the scene from the moment you lost it. What elements were in place that contributed to your becoming temporarily possessed by your alter ego? Were you tired? Hungry? Or did you have a story in your head about your child’s behavior that triggered your reactions? (See my booklets, interviews and other articles for more about looking at what we make our children’s behavior mean.)

2) Own your mistake courageously. Acknowledge specifically where you started going off track. Notice if you ignored a little voice in your head that suggested you leave the room or keep your lips tightly together until those waves of anger or frustration subsided. We often allow the intensity of our emotions to make us do and say things we know we’ll regret even as we’re doing and saying them-- and that little voice is telling us to STOP.

3) Apologize to your child. Step into your adult role fully and show them that people make mistakes, and that you can imagine it may not have felt very good to hear Mommy or Daddy saying or doing those things. Make it clear that regardless of how you behaved, it was not their fault, nor is it their responsibility to act in a particular way so that you can keep your cool. It is always your job to manage your reactions, not your child’s, regardless of whether they’re naughty or nice.

Guilt, blame and shame are emotional cripplers. They inhibit our ability to fully feel our feelings when we make mistakes, and therefore prevent us from really learning when we’ve gotten it wrong. By owning our weaknesses with an intention to improve, and by committing to remain kind and accepting of ourselves, we give our children the freedom to do the same.

Next time you channel a version of yourself that doesn’t reflect the mom or dad you genuinely want to be—the one that’s patient and kind and manages your impulses—recognize that you’ve gotten off course, brush yourself off, and apologize. Feel your sadness and consider how you might avoid getting into that situation next time. You’ll then be ready to move on, forging a new path towards being the parent you truly want to be.

Susan Stiffelman, MFT does parenting teleclasses, telephone and private coaching, and is the author of the upcoming, Passionate Parenting: How to Raise Kids Who Are Joyful, Resilient and Authentically Themselves. She can be reached at osusannaji@gmail.com

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