When Parents Disagree

When Mom and Dad don't agree on how to handle a parenting issue

In theory, the idea of parents presenting a united front to the kids makes all kinds of sense. It’s far less confusing to children to know that “No” means No, regardless of whose mouth proclaims it. There’s a wonderful feeling of solidarity that fortifies parent’s relationship with one another other when they back each other up over an issue with their child. And of course, much has been written about the value of consistency in dealing with children.

Still, in the real world, parents don’t always agree on the right course of parenting action.

What to do?

I’ll start with the simplest answer, and work up to the situation that’s often prefaced by, “I can’t believe you told him ‘Yes’ after I told him ‘No’!”

If the issue is not terribly important, my general feeling is that whichever parent is alone with the child at the time the issue occurs, that parent is viewed as the Captain of the Ship, and their decision sticks. If the second parent disagrees, I strongly urge him or her to discuss their feelings away from the child, and to chew on their lip rather than pitch a fit about the first parent’s decision in the presence of the child.

If the issue is a serious one and Parent Number 1 suspects the child is asking an important question in the hopes of a New! Improved! Answer, it’s best that they let the child know they want to confer with Parent number 2. (If the child says, “Never mind,” you can spare yourself consulting the other parent since it’s pretty obvious that Parent Number 1 has indeed already been approached and you are the child’s backup plan.)

What about those situations where you and your partner passionately disagree? One of you feels she should try out for the tennis team, and the other feels you should leave it up to your daughter, who doesn’t want to join. Or you feel your son should go to summer school, and your spouse strongly disagrees?

The most important thing to remember here (and keep in mind, this is a short article, by no means exhaustive) is to have these discussions away from your children. Listen carefully to their feelings on the subject, and then talk it over without them overhearing.

When the parents are alone, they should allow one another to speak uninterrupted for a few minutes, each acknowledging the other’s point of view with respect.

In a sense, this is more a marital issue than a parenting one. In a healthy marriage, ideally partners listen and absorb one another’s feelings about a subject that they see from very different vantage points. If sorting through disagreements is a chronic problem between you, recognize this as an area to strengthen the marriage (or in the case of divorce, the co-parenting arrangement), and the willingness of both partners to have the difficult conversations that create positive outcomes for everyone.

Most importantly, by practicing respectful conflict resolution with your parenting partner, you set an example for your children that as long as respect and kindness are in the equation and the need to be Right is overshadowed by the desire to stay lovingly connected, disagreements can indeed be solved.