Water Deeply

Water Deeply

By Susan Stiffelman, MFT


Confession: I’m a hypocrit.

In my book, I illustrated the importance of building a strong attachment with our kids by talking about the importance of watering a plant deeply enough to ensure its strength and resilience. I gave the example of my son Ari routinely claiming he had fulfilled his watering duties by splashing the leaves of the plants so they looked wet.

If that wasn’t the pot calling the kettle black!

At the beginning of the summer I planted some vegetables in the patch under my kitchen window. Ever optimistic, I hoped that by putting them where I couldn’t help but see them dozens of times a day, I might remember to water them. (I don’t have a great track record when it comes to green thumbing, despite being from Kansas where one would think I’d have gotten an extra farmer gene.)

My tomatoes, squash and beets have been feebly clinging to life most of the summer. I figured it was the lack of full sun, poor soil, or just plain bad plant karma.

And then one Sunday I made little wells around each plant and watarted playing in the mud, making little rivers that meandered around each well. I left the hose on low for about an hour, letting the water flow from one plant down to the next. Something miraculous happened just one day later. I had healthy plants!

The truth? The plants needed to be watered deeply, not just watered.

It’s exactly the same with our kids.

Those of you who are familiar with my work know that I refer to the six stages of attachment that a child moves through in their first six years of life. A child who is connected securely in these six ways is happier, more resilient, and far easier to parent. Without a solid connection, a child’s instincts to take their cues from us is weak at best and non-existent at worse, leading to resistance, misbehavior and the absence of cooperation that sends parents on an endless chase for a good behavior modification program.

I love what my plants have taught me. They couldn’t have done a better job of demonstrating the need to go deep when we build connection with our kids, rather than superficially putting in “quality time” with the occasional conversation, usually precipitated by a problem.

Building attachment with our kids is the key to raising them well and enjoying the ride. As they head back to school, make sure you’re not just spending time buying new outfits and school supplies. Hang out with them in ways that naturally create opportunities to listen to them and find out how they’re doing. Listen. Listen some more. Laugh together. Have a mini-adventure. Hang out in their room without being in a hurry to leave.

Water deeply.