"What I like about you..."

It’s a funny thing about parenting: We adore our kids (most of us, at least most of the time) but so much of what we say to them is about how they should be different. “Don’t dawdle!” “Be nice to your brother!” “How do you think Susie felt when you didn’t say ‘Hi’ to her?” Our kids so easily become our project—at least it can seem that way. And it can also seem that the majority of our interactions are about how they should change or improve.

So here’s an exercise, for those of you interested. The next time your child walks into the room, tell them something you like about them. “I forgot to tell you that I love your laugh!” or “Did you know how much fun I had with you last night when we were walking the puppy?” And then let the sweet aroma of your love just hang in the air for a while before you move on to something else.

Love is food for all humans. For a child, it’s vital to feel fed at all times. Kids who yank on their parents all day long are often sending the message that they need more than “snacks” of focused attention. A bite of something when you’re really hungry might stave off the shakes for a little while, but it doesn’t have the same effect on your blood sugar as a full on meal with protein and complex carbs. Similarly, when we dose our kids with full on, heart-wide-open loving connection at least a couple of times a day, the nourishment they get from that interaction leaves them feeling sated and full.

Notice the changes in a child’s behavior if you try the “What I like about you” exercise at least twice a day for a week. It can take less than a minute or two, but can fuel a child’s desire to follow your lead better than all the lectures in the world.

If you want to try the advanced version, sit them down in a chair and flood them with appreciations for a few minutes. “I love the way you so carefully play with the kitty…I love how it feels to hold your hand when we cross the street…I love watching you when you’re doing puzzles with so much focus…I love how hard you try to tolerate your little sisters…”

Try offering your child specific things you like about them, and see them bloom even more into the extraordinary beings they are meant to be.